Helmet Head Syndrome

Some thoughts accumulated while in the ER at night for 6 hours: (You like that kisoo@leland-esque intro? And no, I’m not going to explain.)

I hate hospitals, I realized. Mostly because they’re full of sick people. It would be much more amenable if they mixed in well with sick people. I also happen to believe that the world would be a better place if instead of sticking poor people all together in ghettos and huge projects, if they spread them out geographically. Problem is, even sick/poor people don’t want to be around other sick/poor people. So why would well/unpoor people be willing to do this? They wouldn’t.

Anyway, this heartburn thing has helped me understand just a tiny bit why Dave hates (or at least hated) doctors so much. Can’t say I fully relate or understand, but I’m getting a hint of it. And it has to do with the Helmet Head effect, something Dave wrote about much better before than I will now, but whatever, I’ll recap anyway.

So Helmet Head is a classic SNL skit on SNL with Rob Lowe where he plays this ex-soldier who years ago put on a helmet than found he couldn’t get it off, so he goes around everywhere with this helmet stuck on his head. Wherever he goes, people suggest ways for him to get his helmet off, which of course, he’s tried, and it drives him bonkers. Like someone suggests using butter. Which drives him crazy. “Butter? Don’t you think that’s one of the first things I tried???”

So yeah, it’s the same effect: tons of people have given me advice on what to do about my heartburn. And honestly, it hasn’t annoyed me at all, because I know they’re concerned and trying to help. They wouldn’t be saying anything if they didn’t care. So thanks. But believe you me, I’ve researched like crazy and any potential remedy you can think of, I’ve tried. I mean that. Name a remedy. I’ve almost certainly tried it at one point, short of surgery. And nothing has worked.

The thing about doctors is, many of them (not all) have this attitude where they assume they know exactly what’s wrong and exactly what to do and relay that as if they know more than what my own doctors have already told me and all the research I’ve done. And that’s just annoying. I already know what they’re saying and I know it doesn’t work on me. So that attitude, “I know the problem, this is what fixes it” just grates. Maybe I’m being too harsh. It could be that that’s what they’re supposed to do, to give patients hope. But when I *know* their advice doesn’t work, it doesn’t feel hopeful. Just once I kind of want to meet a doctor that says, “I have no idea what’s wrong with you nor how to help you.” Yeah, it doesn’t feel helpful, but at least it would be honest, which is relieving in some sort of way.

But whatever. It’s actually been a lot better, as soon as I *stopped* taking Prilosec. And no, it’s not that I haven’t been producing *enough* acid because I’ve tried the vinegar thing and the digestive enzymes thing and those weren’t working either. I also stopped using my Sonicare toothbrush around the same time, and I’m not taking any chances by using it again. It’s still always there, but much more manageable. The only thing that seems to consistently kill me is citrus. A while back I ate a kumquat and it darn near incapacitated me. So if you ever get really upset at me, force feed me an orange or something.