Danny ChaiHow Not To Talk To Your Kids. One of the most interesting things I’ve read in a while, and required reading for parents, I think. Synopsis: praising your kids’ intelligence impedes their performance. Instead of praising their intelligence, you should praise their effort, and be specific and sincere.
This is something I think about a lot already. I was talking to someone yesterday and he were bemoaning how, in this area, there’s this crazy competition for their kids to “get ahead”. He knows of kids in early elementary school who basically spend 12 hours a day in classes, both private school and art and music lessons and whatever. And there’s this perceived pressure to do the same lest your kids fall behind, whatever that means.
I’m violently opposed to that. I don’t know, maybe I’m naive, but I think kids should be kids. And I’m not even sure how much all that extracurricular stuff really matters. Apparently, the latest research says that, at least for elementary school, the amount of homework kids get makes no difference to learning at all. There should not even be homework; whatever purpose it could serve is better done in the classroom. Something like that. Sounds shocking, but that’s what the research says. So I’m not even sure all this extra stuff has the effect desired.
But more fundamentally, I want my kids to take pride in their effort, not in their achievement. If they bat .100 in softball but did the best they could, I want to be more proud of them than if they learned a Sonatina but barely practiced to learn it. I want them to do the best they can, not be better than other people.
But even then, I wonder about it. I think a big part of me feels like my worth is based on my achievement, and I hate that; I think it impedes my spiritual walk. And I don’t know how to encourage my kids’ effort without having them feel like their worth is based on that. I guess I have time to figure it out, but I just don’t know how that works.