Danny ChaiI say that something “changed my life” a lot. People think I use it too casually. But I just think I’m being accurate. If something effects a lasting change in you, it changed your life, no matter how small it is.
Anyway, random story, but there was one night in Houston years back that changed my life. There’s this guy at my dad’s church who regularly treats me (and Jieun, after we got married) to a really nice meal when we’re in town. This one night, we went with him, his wife, and my parents to some restaurant. I think it was Italian. Not particularly relevant.
We drove with my dad, and when we were almost there, this car stopped in the middle of the road. My dad, visibly (and I think audibly) annoyed, honked. It was only then that we realized that the car was being driven by the couple we were meeting for dinner; he had stopped to give a friendly wave hello. My dad’s honk could be interpreted as a hello honk, so it wasn’t embarrassing. But that’s not what it was, and had he gone just a tiny bit further, or if he had heard what he said in the car, it would have been awkward.
Based on this experience, I’ve had a philosophy when driving that I’ve stuck with to this day – treat every other car on the road as if it’s being driven by someone from church. It’s served me really well and nearly eliminated road rage. Someone does something stupid on the road? I imagine it’s my church friend’s mom. I get concerned at how they’re driving, but I don’t get angry. It’s been useful.
Another thing that happened that night – so this guy *always* treats. This one night, my dad wanted to show gratitude and treat them instead, so he sneakily snuck the credit card to the waiter when no one was looking. When the waiter brought the charged bill to the table for my dad to sign, the man’s wife was apoplectic (the man had gone to the bathroom) and started fighting for the bill, even though the card had already been charged. She protested so vigorously that she knocked over water onto the table. My dad was forced to submit. When the man came back to the table, he saw the wet table and asked, “What happened?” And his wife responded that my dad tried to pay the bill so she had to violently intercede. I’ll never forget his response (in Korean): “Good job, wife.”
I’m sorry; this is generosity taken too far and is lame. My standard is, when generosity becomes violent, it’s gone too far. And it was so over the top. The waiter had to cancel the original charge and do it over. So I made a vow that day never to do the lame Asian thing about fighting over checks, which honestly is a lot of times about honor more than generosity. I’m totally against it.
This has had one bad side effect though – instead of gratitude, sometimes I get angry when other people do the Asian thing and insist on treating, even when they’re simply being generous. The last time we saw Adrian he insisted on treating and I think I responded on the lines of “I hate you” and he was like, wow, that’s an unexpected response. And I realized, whoops, yeah, that’s really bad. But it was stemming from repeated experiences with this particular friend who always insists on treating when we have meals. I refuse to do the Asian fighting thing, but he just won’t let me pay. It’s enough to make me not want to eat with him. But yeah, gratitude is probably a way better response.